http://www.iamfearlesssoul.com
01 February 2022
In the Absence of Gratitude...
Learning More About the Importance of Gratitude
"Of all the crimes that human creatures are capable of committing, the most horrid and unnatural is ingratitude." — Hume
Lack of gratitude in my most important personal relationship...
While growing up I was taught from a young age to say 'thank you' when receiving something from someone, to be grateful for good intentions from others and to appreciate any goodwill towards me - irrespective of the provider.
In school, during my military service and while attending university I did not give thank you, being grateful or showing gratitude any special thought - it was part of my daily interaction with people and reciprocated by most people in every community I was a member of. I never questioned it. It was never an issue. Not in my academic, business, social or personal life - it was a way of (appreciating) life - or so I thought.
Fast forward 2019: during November 2019 I met an attractive, intelligent and charming (albeit dramatic) woman and very quickly we became inseparable. We spent a lot of time together, visited many different places and really enjoyed each other's company. I fell in love and by April 2020 we decided that I will spend the South Africa Covid-19 Lockdown Level 5 at her place in Cape Town.
My income was severely compromised during the Covid Lockdown rules and I realised I had to make a serious plan for not just my own survival, but to also contribute to the household. My girlfriend, being an entrepreneur herself, also had no fix income (due to Covid restrictions) and I needed to pull a rabbit out of a hat as fast as possible.
Fortunately, throughout the years, I have been a Contract for Difference (CFD) trader on the Johannesburg Stock Exchange (JSE) and when the oil price slumped in April 2020 I made a high risk decision to purchase Sasol (energy and chemical company listed on the JSE) CFD's through my online trading account. As the oil price and Sasol share price recovered I purchased more and more Sasol (and other) CFD's and very quickly reached high liquidity positions to withdraw cash and contribute handsomely to the household.
Experiencing ingratitude
We used to go shopping every couple of days in which I would purchase all the food and basically everything and anything we needed. This was now about four to five months into our relationship and I noticed, for the first time, something strange - she would never thank me for anything I do or purchase. It starting to worry me in a big way. The words 'thank you' just did not exist in her vocabulary...
During the infatuation stage of the relationship it never occurred to me that I was never thanked for anything. It was only while living with her full time (in a routine environment) that this behaviour of ingratitude was now overtly manifesting itself. Over the short term this behaviour from her was repeated ever so often and I felt the need to address this delicate issue.
After some careful consideration I finally confronted her with my concerns that she never thank me for the food that I bought or anything that I did... her only response, a rather underwhelming grandiose pretext, was the mere fact that 'eating the food that I purchased, with me', was her 'thank you' to me. An audacious statement of self- entitlement and disdain to say the least. I became quite disgruntled with this response and discussed it with one of my close friends a few days later.
I find myself for the first time in my life questioning somebody's repeated lack of appreciation and ingratitude. Something wasn't quite right or perhaps I was expecting too much. My friend assured me that there was nothing wrong with my expectation of gratitude from her - and it's is quite normal to say thank you, even for the smallest token of appreciation.
This was a profound shift in the relationship. I started thinking back to all the occasions where I felt she acted a bit strange after giving her a gift or bring flowers and / or other gestures of goodwill. I realised on top of that I did not once received a thank you - I lived off the crumbs of expectation only to receive no gratitude for anything I would do for her.
This ingratitude would repeat itself over the next few months. In May 2020 I overindulged on her birthday with gifts and goodwill - I thought (although not very optimistic at the time) that I would at least get some sort of acknowledgement... I received nothing!
After the strict lockdown rules were lifted we went away for a few weekends of which I paid for everything - I did not mind paying, as my CFDs on the JSE were thriving - and I really wanted to share my JSE trading gains. I received no thank you, no gratitude for anything during and after these weekends. On one occasion she told me of the very nice thank you note she sent the manager of a guest farm we stayed. Go figure...
Moving on
On the return of an extended weekend we spent down the Cape West Coast she told me that I should thank her for the nice weekend we had. This was the moment I realised that her self-centeredness is not going to change and together with all the other red flags in her behaviour its best that I move on. I withdrew from the relationship by spending a few weeks in my studio apartment to try and come to terms with her behaviour.
During August 2020 I started to pull away completely from the abusive relationship. It brought an immense sense of sadness over me. I grappled for the next couple of weeks with her lack of gratitude, sense of self-entitlement and her physical and on-going verbal abuse against me. The verbal abuse was getting worse - she also verbally attacked my sister (over the phone) and I knew I had to disengage permanently from her. During September 2020 I collected the last of my stuff from her (said a couple of nasty things to her - of which I'm not proud of). Apart from a few text messages after this I have not engaged in any further contact with her.
My learning and acceptance
I've read and researched a wide range of mental health, phycology and dysfunctional relationship resources to come to terms with the past year of my life... in many ways I was still very much in love with her when I walked away, but knew that I could not carry on living like this... for my own safety and sanity. My dreams with her were shattered and it's taking me a long time to pick up the pieces in rebuilding my life without her.
I have learned to accept that I cannot change somebody else's (dysfunctional) behaviour. Coming to terms with the fact that no appreciation or gratitude was ever offered is something that I have to accept, understand how it affected me and what I can learn from this unfortunate behaviour.
© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (Importance of Gratitude)
I hate ingratitude more in a man
than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
— Shakespeare
"In many ways, the ideal model of a giver is God (or Nature), who bestows his many gifts upon mankind with no thought of any return. Because God needs nothing, when he bestows a benefit he is only concerned with the advantage of the recipient. A benefit, in this respect, is good in and of itself. Gratitude also makes one a better person, a more virtuous person. It builds bonds of harmony and community in the world. Ingratitude, on the other hand, is a vice to be avoided, one that destroys the individual and society by disrupting." — Seneca
"Ingratitude leads inevitably to a confining, restricting, and "shrinking" sense of self. Emotions such as anger, resentment, envy, and bitterness tend to undermine happy social relations. But the virtue of gratitude is not only a firewall of protection against such corruption of relationships; it also contributes positively to friendship and civility, because it is both benevolent (wishing the benefactor well) and just (giving the benefactor his due). In gratitude, we show our respect for others by recognizing their good intentions in helping us." — Robert Emmons
The Challenge of Cognitive Dissonance
Awareness and Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
"One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what you thought was real." — me.me
Omnipresence of Cognitive Dissonance
Now, in the final stretch and conclusion of my own ‘healing journey’, herewith an explanation, own interpretation and personal experience on how Cognitive Dissonance can sometimes cause incessant confusion, uncertainty and disparity in our minds.
Cognitive Dissonance
Many of us may suffer from a degree of Cognitive Dissonance at some time in our lives - meaning we are challenged by an intrapersonal mental discomfort and / or mental conflict when dealing with toxic people (or habits) in our minds, but struggle to let them go.
Powerful 'positive' thoughts of what 'could be' overwhelms the mind as we are challenged by the paradoxical thinking of them being, perhaps, just misunderstood or needing more time rather to accept them as abusive and toxic (towards us). For many of us this is difficult to comprehend - that someone in our lives that was once so charming and nice can become so abusive and evil.
We know they are not good for us, they function different from our own beliefs, personal values and / or expectations, but we still maintain contact with them - or worse-case scenario, stay committed in an abusive relationship. We don't really want to let them go, but at the same time live in fear (and disappointment) of their dysfunctional behaviour.
Even while experiencing continuous abuse we try and hang on to the mirage at any (emotional / physical) cost - in the hope that their toxic behaviour against us will change. The sad reality is that abusive behaviour without any personal ownership, psychotherapy and / or psychiatric intervention won't change, can't change.
The continuous cognitive disparity between the positive belief in someone and the conflicting negative thoughts / disappointment with regard to an individual's antisocial behaviour can have a significant impact on our own mental health and well-being.
I have experienced cognitive dissonance during an intimate relationship. Although I was subjected to perpetual emotional, physical and verbal abuse I still believed in the relationship and wanted it to succeed. In the end, after a few months, my rational mind concluded that for my own safety and sanity it would be best to end the relationship.
© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (Cognitive Dissonance)
© Vernon Chalmers : Mental Health and Motivation (Cognitive Dissonance)
Cognitive Dissonance
"Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced when holding two or more conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. This psychological tension arises because people strive for internal consistency, and when there’s a discrepancy, it creates unease12.
Key Aspects of Cognitive Dissonance:
- Theory: Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance suggests that when our actions contradict our beliefs, we experience discomfort, motivating us to reduce the dissonance 1.
- Examples: Common examples include feeling guilty for not exercising despite wanting to be healthy, or rationalizing unhealthy habits like smoking due to stress 2.
- Reduction Strategies:
- Change Behavior: Align actions with beliefs (e.g., start exercising).
- Change Beliefs: Adjust beliefs to match actions (e.g., downplay the importance of exercise).
- Add New Cognitions: Introduce new thoughts that justify the behavior (e.g., “I’ll start exercising next week”).
- Trivialize: Minimize the importance of the conflict (e.g., “Missing one workout isn’t a big deal”) 1 2.
- Impact: Cognitive dissonance can lead to significant stress and anxiety, but it also drives personal growth and behavior change as individuals strive to resolve the inconsistency 3.
Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
Understanding a Jekyll and Hyde Personality
“I learned to recognise the thorough and primitive duality of man; I saw that, of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness, even if I could rightly be said to be either, it was only because I was radically both.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome and NPD
What is Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome?
"The term "Jekyll and Hyde syndrome" is often used colloquially to describe a situation where a person's behavior or personality drastically changes, seemingly turning them into a completely different individual. This concept is derived from Robert Louis Stevenson's novella "Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," in which the main character, Dr. Jekyll, develops a potion that transforms him into the violent and immoral Mr. Hyde.
In reality, there is no medical condition known as "Jekyll and Hyde syndrome." However, certain mental health disorders and conditions can cause significant shifts in behavior, mood, or personality, leading to a perception of a dual or split nature in an individual. Here are a few examples of conditions that might be associated with such changes:
1. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, DID is a complex psychological condition in which a person exhibits two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of behavior and memory. These identities, referred to as alters, may emerge and take control of the individual's behavior, leading to a significant change in demeanor.
2. Bipolar Disorder: People with bipolar disorder experience extreme mood swings, cycling between periods of elevated and energized states (known as manic episodes) and periods of depressive episodes. During a manic episode, an individual may exhibit impulsive, reckless, or aggressive behavior, which can be seen as a significant change from their usual self.
3. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Individuals with BPD often struggle with emotional instability, impulsivity, and difficulties in forming stable relationships. They may experience intense mood swings, alternating between idealizing and devaluing themselves or others. These fluctuations in emotions and behavior can give the impression of two different personas.
It's important to note that these conditions are complex and require a proper diagnosis by mental health professionals. Additionally, the term "Jekyll and Hyde syndrome" is not a recognized medical term but rather a metaphorical description of certain behaviors or experiences. If you or someone you know is experiencing significant changes in behavior or personality, it is recommended to seek professional help for a proper evaluation and diagnosis." (Source: ChatGPT 2023)
Is Your Partner Suffering From Jekyll And Hyde Syndrome? Article
Know the Infamous Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? BPDFamily
Narcissistic Relationships: Jekyll Is Hyde Article
Understanding a Jekyll and Hyde Personality Article
Narcissistic Relationships: Jekyll Is Hyde Article
The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality - or If You Do Beverly Engel PDF Document Download
What Is a Jekyll and Hyde Personality? The Health Board
Understanding a Jekyll and Hyde Personality Article
Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome Book Mention:
The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality - or If You Do Beverly Engel
The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality - or If You Do Beverly Engel
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World Mental Health Day 2022
10 October is World Mental Health Day
The overall objective of World Mental Health Day is to raise awareness of mental health issues around the world and to mobilize efforts in support of mental health.
The Day provides an opportunity for all stakeholders working on mental health issues to talk about their work, and what more needs to be done to make mental health care a reality for people worldwide. (Source: WHO)
History of World Mental Health Day Article
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